Today I am so messed up. I am crying my eyes out. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. First it was because of my Mom. She has always disappointed me in ways she never though she did. We were supposed to shop today, but no we didn’t. A friend of hers dropped by and they started chatting, and it’s so hot outside; the feeling when you wish you could stay in your fridge just to cool a little. So in the end, we stayed home. Basically yes, that’s what we did. Then, what happened next was my laptop got screwed. Undeniably messed up, screwed totally. It ain’t functioning when I haven’t used it for days. It’s a pain in the ass right now. Seriously. I cried myself out the entire afternoon. I do not feel well. I feel like I wanted to be invisible. It’s just too much for me today. Too much emotions. Too many things. How I wish this is simply a nightmare I can just get out from. Ugh. I seriously am crazy right now. Emotionally unstable. I’m out.
May 29, 2013
Hello. I do not really know why I am doing this. There’s something in me that say I should do this but I do not know what to write. So do not expect this would be great.
You see, today I spent time with two guys who were really special to me. Both of them have a very special place in my life. He, who’s name shall not be mentioned; is the closest I have in mind when I think of broken hearts and miserable days because of love or infatuation. While we walked earlier, a certain distance, silence and understanding is obviously present. While the other guy is my best friend Jay, who simply became my best friend because he thought we’re better this way. And I guess we do, and today it made me realize the same thing.
But you baby, I just wanted to say that … I do not want you to be the guy I always have in mind. You see, I’ve always expected you to be someone who’ll take photos of me; whether stolen or our happy days together … someone who is family oriented … someone who will drive me to our house and we’ll have a good, funny conversation down the road … someone who’ll write me letters … someone whom who’ll understand how fck ass worry freak I can be and yet would always give me positive thoughts to help me at ease … someone I can speak sports with … someone who’ll carry our conversation … someone who ain’t clingy, but whom wish to speak with me at the end of the day … someone who’ll surprise me … someone whom I share little arguments with but would just laugh about it when we fixed them … someone who’ll understand me and my never ending complexity … someone who knows what respect and compromise means … someone who doesn’t smoke … no tattoos … moderate drinker … and someone who has the same passion in food, coffee and healthy living.
But then today, I realize … it’s okay if you do not have all these qualities because I may be dreaming too much asking for someone as big as this. I guess it’s enough that you’ll respect me, you know what compromise means, that you love me and that you do not smoke nor have tattoos.
I do not know if I am ready yet to meet you. But if you’re just around the corner, can we meet sometime and eventually became friends? I need to figure things out myself. Sometimes I longed for you too much, yet sometimes I feel like I’m not yet prepared.
Baby, wherever you are, I hope I’ll meet you when the time is right. Hope you’re looking forward to meet me too. I’m neither perfect, actually I’m fcked up most of the time. I have my personal issues. But when I love someone, it’s for real and I do not hold back.
See you soon baby!
I am currently frustrated like ASDFGHJKL. I’ve always been a frustrated photographer which is why I have my SLR with me which is a first and graduation gift from my Dad. I mean, I love it. But it has some issues now. The lens were kind of loose and I have to do the manual focus because the auto focus ain’t working so well. Furthermore, I’ll be needing a camera for video purposes which will come handy when I reach my senior year as it will be badly needed. I am considering of selling my camera which I’d probably sell at 9k-10k since it’s been with me for at least 2 years and like what I said, it ain’t smooth sailing plus it will be a second hand to the buyer. I also checked the prices online and they kind of offer the same amount or for some even higher. The charger and battery are still awesome so no worries about that. Anyhow, I really am considering of either buying a Canon which is my frustration or Nikon 5100D. I already checked the specs and prices. Canon are really pricey and considering the specs and the price, I’m considering on having the Nikon 5100D which would cost 21,500php at Hidalgo and maybe around 30k at the different camera house.
I am frustrated that I cannot buy the camera I want without selling my first ever DSLR. I am frustrated that I do not have the money, that I cannot take good photos and my frustration over photography gets stronger again :| Huhu. I do not know what to do. I want to take good photos. I want a new cam, but I cannot have it all :( Okay. Life sucks. Ugh. HELP!!
Yesterday was Valentines Day and I had so much fun with my college friends. But it’s not about them, it’s about what happened after all the fun. I greet my closest friends at BBM, Happy Valentines day and wishing them nothing but happy hearts when Jayjay replied and things turned upside down.
Of course, being the best friend I always am, I wish and hope he could find someone new; someone worth his love and attention. He replied back and said, all he could digest right now are flings like the one with his DP. Then all of a sudden, he asked me if ever there was a point that I had a crush on him. You know me, I go with the flow of conversation and I do not see the point of lying afterall, everything is in the past already. I said, “yes, before” and why would I miss the opportunity to ask him the same thing which eventually he said “yes” too. But what struck me was when he said, “concern kasi ako sa’tin”, because it felt like it was 2011 again. If you know what I mean.
I was stunned. I cannot find the words. And somewhere, it left me wondering, “what if”. What if our timings matched. What if we were brave enough to let each other know what we feel. What if we tried, would it work, or would it not? What if he was first boyfriend, and I’d be his second girlfriend? How different could things turned out? How happy, sad, annoying, crazy, fun, would have our relationship be? Is it possible that we’d still be together or are we not friends anymore?
Too many questions. Because there’s too many what ifs, what could have been. Now, I regret it. I regret now having the courage, not having the guts to let him know.
Just now, I messaged him again, hoping to find company as I want to watch Safe Heaven tomorrow but according to him he has a family outing. I could not reply, “it’s okay” because I’m not. I have to be honest from now on. I have to be true to myself. I have to be strong willed like what I am with CJ’s case.
And you know what, I started to cry when he said he could not come. Was it because I am disappointed? I am rejected? Could be because last year, I was rejected like this also? I DO NOT KNOW. Tears can’t help from falling, I am silently crying. Deep inside, I am screaming, I feel like my heart is falling apart, but yeah, it’s part of life.
I was and will always be friend zoned. Will I ever have luck on love? Will I ever find the man I am destined with? Will I ever be love in return? Or am I going to continue living a hopeless romantic life I am currently living in?